In the complex world of human relationships, understanding how we connect with others allows us to hold more awareness of the ways we participate in our interpersonal relationships and how these ways of connecting to others serve us. Have you ever wondered why some people seem at ease in their relationships while others wrestle with fear, distance, or confusion? One way of understanding these diverse experiences in relationships is through attachment theory, a framework that explains how our earliest experiences with caregivers shape the way we learn to relate to others throughout life.
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, doesn’t just give us labels – referred to as “attachment styles” – it supports us to nonjudgmentally look at our desired and undesired ways of relating to others, and how our past relational experiences inform these ways of relating. Attachment theory posits that we are wired to be in close connections with others. Our attachment system is the biological mechanism (consisting of emotions and behaviours) that works to keep us safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones. Whether you’re curious about your own patterns or trying to navigate challenges in your relationships, exploring your attachment can be an eye-opening journey.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are the blueprints for how we connect with others. They begin to develop in infancy, influenced by how consistently and lovingly our caregivers responded to us. Based on our experiences of our caregivers’ accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement, our attachment systems learn how to best support our safety and connection. Think of them as the habits your brain learned to form connections - some help build trust and intimacy, while others work to protect us from closeness.
There are four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: If you experience your attachment as more secure, you will likely feel at ease with closeness and trust. You’re comfortable sharing your needs, and you generally handle conflict, unease, or insecurity in a way that strengthens your relationships rather than causing further emotional ruptures.
Our attachment systems experience more security when caregivers are warm, responsive, and dependable. Through these responses, we learn that connection and closeness is generally safe and you can trust that people will respond to you when you need them.
Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and reassurance but struggle with a nagging worry that they’ll lose the people they care about. This can stem from inconsistent caregiving – sometimes your needs for closeness and connection were met, but other times, you were left hanging. Your attachment system learned that in order to maintain closeness and connection, you need to be more vigilant of cues of disconnection and distance, while seeking more closeness to soothe the anxiety.
Avoidant Attachment: If you find yourself keeping others at arm’s length or valuing independence so much that vulnerability feels scary or unwanted, you might lean toward an avoidant style of attachment. This often develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive of your needs. Your attachment system learned that vulnerability and closeness are not safe; and therefore, you should protect yourself from this by avoiding intimacy and closeness.
Disorganized Attachment: This style is a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours. It’s like having one foot on the gas and one on the brake. If your early environment felt chaotic or your caregivers were a source of both comfort and fear, you might resonate with this style. You learned that connections with close others are inconsistent and confusing.
How Attachment Styles Show Up in Relationships
Understanding your attachment style isn’t about pointing fingers or feeling stuck - it’s about recognizing patterns so you can grow. Here’s how these styles can shape your relationships:
Secure Attachment: You likely navigate relationships with balance - valuing both closeness and independence. You trust your partner and feel confident in the relationship's stability.
Anxious Attachment: You might feel like you need constant reassurance, or notice a tendency to overanalyze your partner’s actions. Clear communication and self-soothing can help build security.
Avoidant Attachment: You may feel a need for space and struggle with expressing emotions. Practicing small acts of vulnerability can make a big difference.
Disorganized Attachment: You might experience confusion about wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time. Therapy can help untangle these feelings and create steadier connections.
Context Matters: Your Attachment Doesn’t Just Live “Within” You
We’ve discussed the impact of early relational experiences on adult attachment. However, our attachment system is also informed by later relational experiences, and in general, the relationship context. Think, for example, someone who leans towards an anxious attachment style is in a relationship context that involves a lot of unpredictability and limited closeness (perhaps with someone who leans towards a disorganized or avoidant attachment, or merely with someone who is an on-call shift worker with unpredictable working hours). This relational context would likely be activating for this person’s attachment system, as consistency, closeness, and predictability are particularly important for their sense of security and safety in the relationship. Their attachment system, although wired towards insecure attachment, experiences more security if they’re in a relationship context that involves more opportunities for closeness, connection, and a general sense of predictability.
The Fluidity of Attachment Styles
Your attachment style isn’t set in stone. Think of it as a starting point, not a life sentence. Our brains are incredibly adaptable, and with awareness and effort, we can move toward healthier patterns. Your attachment style is also not a “fault” and it’s important to approach it without shame. It reflects how you (consciously and subconsciously) learned to protect yourself based on the environment you grew up in and your relationship contexts with close others throughout life. As an adult, you can rewire those patterns to build the kinds of relationships you want and deserve.
Ways Toward Attachment Security
Get Curious About Yourself: Take some time to reflect on your relationship patterns. What activates insecurity in your relationships? How do you typically respond? When do you experience security in your relationships? What is your role in supporting security?
Communicate Openly: If you’re in a relationship that feels emotionally safe, share what you’re learning about yourself with your partner. This opens the door to mutual understanding and growth.
Work with a Therapist: Sometimes we need a guide to help us make sense of our past and create new ways of connecting. Therapy can offer tools and insights that support us towards our preferred ways of being in relationship with others. A therapist that takes a relational approach (e.g., EFT, IFS) may be particularly helpful, as the therapeutic relationship is at the forefront of this work, prioritizing clients’ experiences of safety and security.
Practice Mindfulness: Staying present can help you manage emotional reactions and engage with relationships more intentionally.
Build Trust Gradually: Trust grows through consistency - both in how others show up for you and how you show up for yourself.
Consider your Relationship Context: If you have been working on creating more security in a relationship, yet continue to feel triggered, activated, or fearful of connection or disconnection, it is important to consider how the context of your relationship (e.g. going through a significant transition or being partnered with someone whose attachment style leans towards insecurity) is serving as a roadblock towards security.
A Journey Worth Taking
Exploring your attachment style can feel vulnerable, but it’s also empowering. It’s not about labelling yourself, it’s about understanding where you’ve been and deciding where you want to go. Every step you take toward greater self-awareness and healthier connections is a step toward the fulfilling relationships you deserve.
Whether you're seeking to strengthen your current relationships or prepare for future ones, exploring your attachment is a meaningful step towards emotional wellbeing. Consider booking a session with one of the therapists on our team. Together, we can explore your unique patterns, uncover the roots of your relationship dynamics, and work toward building the secure, meaningful connections you’re looking for.
Change takes time and patience, so remember to be gentle with yourself as you begin this journey. The path to healthier relationships starts with understanding - and you don’t have to take that first step alone.
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